Building a Snowman

By Betty Briars

1. Consult your diary for a date and time at which your minions are available to facilitate your creativity before contacting the Met Office and requesting a significant downfall of the fluffy white stuff.                   

2.  If it means she is intent on taking you out in the snow, tolerate Mum's desire to dress you in novelty hats/coats/boots/etc. I mean, look at that hat. Ridiculous.

3. Acclimatise yourself by stamping about gathering up small handfuls of snow in your bare mitts. This will ensure they are completely deadened and adequately frostbitten in order to aid optimum snowman building.

4. Encourage one of your oversized assistants to investigate the stickability of the snow sample you have been allocated. (NB - Do not, I repeat, DO NOT allow the more subversive ones to throw these snowballs at you, or slip one of them down the back of your coat. This feels HORRENDOUS and is punishable by waking each hour of the night for the next week. Just so you know.)

5. Gather and scoop handfuls of your icy media and stack it into a tower on the ground, forming a rounded head shape on the top. Ignore Mum's wails of 'Walking In The Air'.

6. Smooth down the shape of your sculpture and insert buttons/arms/eyes as you see fit. Stones/coal/pounds coins left lying around should do the trick.

7. Despite your fame hungry parents desire to sweep in and steal your thunder, stand your ground, step back and admire YOUR craftsmanship and hard work. He really is fantastic, isn't he?
Now kick his head in.