When you have kids, you do so fully aware of the fact that you are taking on a life-long commitment. So, to drop your child at a moment's notice, as soon as a better offer comes up, is utterly deplorable.
Having completed her course at the Kerry Katona School Of Parenting, my Mum this week decided that she would dump me in a nursery. And not just any nursery. The nursery that Nanna runs. So you'd expect I would receive only the very best care. And actually, I did, but that's totally beside the point.
I should be looked after by my own Mother or at least by my Nan, who has been bailing Mum out a couple of days a week since January. I should not be foisted upon the well-intentioned, stimulating, encouraging, highly qualified educational professionals she so heartlessly ditched me with. Sure, I've made friends with groups of engaging, amusing, wholly congenial children of my own age. One of them tells really funny jokes, and I don't know any yet, well, except the ones he told me. Like:
"What do you call a Giraffe with a short neck? Andrew".
Priceless. No? No...I don't get it either. But at the time, it was hilarious. You probably just had to be there.
Anyway, as you can see, there are OTHER CHILDREN there. And this is at the heart of my issues with the place. I am not the centre of attention. Sure, as the boss' granddaughter, my level of care is markedly elevated in comparison to that of my peers, but still, I am expected to SHARE.
And if you have never come across this concept of sharing, it is woefully overrated.
It means that if you are happily occupied by a toy which is entertainingly noisy/soft/lighty uppy/has stuff that spins on it, when another child comes along who demonstrates a passing interest in said item, you must relinquish it immediately, in order for them to make off with your discovery for their own pleasure. And you are meant to sit there bored, irked and disappointed - and be OKAY ABOUT IT.
I can tell you right now, without having to experience it again, this sharing business; it's not for me. It never has to happen when Mum or Nan look after me. I can just please myself all day in a little bubble of total self indulgent pleasure and inconsequential egotism. Where's the harm in that?
No. I don't like nursery. Mainly cause of the sharing stuff, but also because it doesn't smell like my house. But that's probably because it isn't my house. I'm not agoraphobic; just top dog round that joint.
Yet, despite my hearty protestations, I've been twice this week, and Mum seems intent on pushing ahead with her scheme to disown me to this 'nursery'. She feels it will make me a more sociable, self aware, confident, independent child - all total yawn-fest qualities I have not the tiniest jot of interest in acquiring.
That said, if she's dead set on going back to 'work', I suppose I better start putting a bit of my own legwork into honing my comedic timing.
How many...shoes do you need to...get...er...open...nah
What do you call a...banana with...a...oh...no
You might as well get off, this could take a while.