Stop It

Right. That's it. I can't take it anymore.

WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME THAT THEIR KIDS CAN DO STUFF THEY BLATANTLY CAN'T DO?

Why, when their child rolls around a bit on the floor, do parents bang on about how their child is "already crawling"? Crawling involves discernible forward motion, usually generated by transferring weight between the knees and the palms of both hands. 
Scrabbling about, face down on the floor is ABSOLUTELY NOT THE SAME THING.


The fact that your grandchild made a shrieking noise sat in a supermarket trolley does not give you the right to parp on about how the little sprog has "started talking". They made a sound. Shouted out. Absent mindedly. In fact it was more of a burp than anything. 
It MOST CERTAINLY WAS NOT anything like a word.


When a child shuffles along the floor, leaning heavily on items of furniture, why do their parents insist that they are "now walking"? Sorry to burst your bubble, but that kid IS NOT walking. Walking involves independently placing each foot alternately on the ground, and passing the body's entire weight, UNSUPPORTED, between the two soles of the feet, and thus propelling oneself in the designated direction. There is absolutely no shuffling or leaning allowed. 
So, to recap YOUR CHILD CAN'T WALK.


And all these stupid claims are made with one eye on me, checking to see if I feel appropriately unnerved about the abilities of The Poop. Well, sorry, but I'm not going to go getting worked up because your nine month old can wallpaper/juggle/ski. My daughter is developing just fine, thanks for asking.
*scuttles off to frantically introduce Boo to the Snowplough Turn*



So what I'm trying to say, in a nutshell, is this: SOME ADULTS ARE IDIOTS. I'm sure this is not news to you, nor is it to me, but just occasionally, every once in a while, people's patheticness creeps up on me and stuns me with its sheer stupidity. Sure, celebrate all you like when your child CAN CRAWL or CAN TALK or CAN WALK. Sing it from the rooftops then. But until that point, shut up rabbitting on.
Presumably, based on the preposterous logic of these plonkers, I can fly; yet I have travelled through the air many a time without anyone whooping, cheering or congratulating me. Miserable sods. Sure, I lean incredibly heavily on my airline seat, but I am in the air, aren't I? So why aren't we getting Guinness World Records on the blower? 
I can see through walls an' all. Or 'windows' as killjoys call them. 
I can break dance when I fancy it. Or 'trip over my handbag' as Dave so plainly describes it.


Honest to God - it's scary that these people are actually in charge of shaping the lives and minds of young children.


It annoys me when people talk rubbish.
SO STOP IT.


Rant over.