Right. I actually cannot understand this. Someone needs to explain it to me.
After years of taking the mickey out of homemakers/stay at home parents/dossers (delete as appropriate to display the most P.C. option), I have come to learn that being in the house all day, certainly with a small child, is not the Jeremy Kyle-a-thon I imagined it would be. Sadly, it is not a festival of Facebook status updating, nor is it an opportunity to browse celebrity cellulite in Closer.
There is actual STUFF TO DO.
When I'm not playing with/feeding/changing/dressing/bathing/entertaining/wiping weird sticky stuff off The Poop, I'm tidying up. When I'm not dusting, I'm hoovering. When I'm not putting a wash on, I'm pegging it out. When I'm not mowing the lawn, I'm renegotiating our contents insurance, to try to ensure it covers my sanity, which is inextricably linked to the tidiness of our contents. (If you're interested I got a belting quote from StopBeingSoBloodyStupid.com)
I don't stop. Well, I do, to write this, and grab a bit of shut eye, but blog and bed aside, Mum jobs are a carousel of responsibility which move so blurringly fast that I occasionally find myself loading dirty dishes into the printer. Don't worry, we'd run out of ink again so no harm done.
So, in essence: woe is me....isn't it a big shame..she's such a martyr...that girl lives for her family...bless her cotton socks...etc
You get the idea.
In light of my ram packed schedule of unremarkableness, can some bright spark please share with me a few pearls of wisdom regarding how I will also pack THREE DAYS OF WORK into this treadmill of unrelenting 'two minute' jobs? How can I possibly spend a minimum of ten hours per day, on THREE DAYS OF THE WEEK, not playing silly beggars round the house, and yet still get everything done?
And what of the small task I like to call BRINGING UP MY DAUGHTER, a role from which I will in future be absent three days of the week? Okay, so Nan's on duty two days, and she'll be cruising with the Nursery Massiv for the other - but, as well intentioned, OFSTED inspected, threatened, coached and aware of legal action these parties most certainly are, neither of them is ME. I am her Mum. (And I am the danglers)
I have nightmares where I return from work to see my nine month old daughter chugging White Lightning and sparking up behind our shed while sharing with me details of her latest nursery romance and preaching to me about how "Huggies are well betterer than them Pampers we buy". I don't want my beautiful daughter being peer pressured into unsavoury behaviour. There's nothing wrong with Pampers. And they're usually on offer.
So, to all you know alls who work (FULL TIME some of you - mental), keep houses away from Environmental Health and bring up children who are good kids that have been taught to retain more information that just their first name - HOW IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU DO IT?
I sense an impending dropping of several balls on my part. Fortunately sticky floors, inch thick dust and typhoid are the new black.
That should give us a head start.