First, the girl one decided to abandon me for four days. No warning - she just cleared off. Must be because I keep pinching her skin then twisting it to see what she does. I don't think she likes that. Or it might be because I pull clumps of her hair out. Or because I sink my nails into her cheeks. You can never be sure what's up with her being so flipping touchy.
It was weird her not being here, but nice as well. She never rushes to sort me out when I'm doing my tired/bored/selfish whinge and her jokes get annoyingly repetitive. But she knows what I want when I want it, which takes a while to teach.
I've spent this week hanging with my old man and training him up for a couple of days. He's dead fresh and full of energy; I could definitely work with that guy more often. Then the old lady one came and took over. I think they decided to share me because I'm "everywhere at the minute". Nan takes me out for walks and is refreshingly calm and relaxed all the time, which is a God send when I am constantly subjected to the late coming, 100mph, daily blood pressure hike that is life with my Mother.
After four days out of the game, with me feeling really chilled out, content and laid back, she returned. With a bang. In her irritating, inimitable style, she scooped up everything we own and took herself, Dad and me down to the big smoke. Old London town. Like you do.
I'm sure I missed my first birthday sat in the back of that car. It certainly felt like we'd lost a couple of years with Mum insisting on singing nursery rhymes to me almost all the way there. With her dulcet tones reverberating clumsily about the car, the miles just flew by. Not. She looked me dead in the eye through the majority of her wailing, which I found disconcerting and more than a little creepy. On completing each nursery rhyme, she would stop, as if waiting for applause. Sadly, with growing up comes responsibility, and I can no longer protest that I don't know how to clap, so was bullied into rewarding her operatics with a sarcastically slow round of applause which clearly went completely over her head. I stopped the clapping when I realised it was encouraging her. Even going to sleep didn't stem her song. When I cried she just shoved a dummy in my mouth and carped on. She thinks she's Shirley Bassey or something.
It's just 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes' Mum. Chill.
Once we finally arrived, she dumped me and Dad again. Absolutely ridiculous. What is the point in ferrying the pair of us all this way with her, to sack us off at the first sign of a better offer. She's a disgrace. That woman is a tone deaf, selfish, superficial, facetious, shallow, flippant...what?...toys?
Oo oo oo!
Mummyyyyyyyy! You've got toys for me?! Oh you're so lovely and clever and kind and...oh yeah! Minnie Mouse! Sweeeeeet! I really love you Mu....Happy Feet on DVD?! Get in! There's loads of stuff!! You are an absolute legend. Scooby Doo socks? No WAY!
|Me and my generous, thoughtful, super smashing Mum |
with her bags of total excellence.