Crawling

By Betty Briars.

(For those taking notes, I always find crawling in only a nappy increases my purchase on the floor surface, makes me more aero-dynamic, yet still preserves my modesty. But, each to their own.)

1) At the start line butter up the crowd.
Waves and hand shakes from the athlete should whip them into a real frenzy. 

2) Select an alluring and, where possible, potentially messy target.
A tempting reward will help you focus on the long task ahead.

3) And we're off!
Place both hands carefully down in front of you,
being absolutely sure they are ready to take your weight.

4) With a smile for your adoring public, press up on to all fours,
while always keeping your eye on the prize.

5) Keep powering forward. Use your brute strength to transfer your
weight from knee to knee, keeping your hands walking their way
towards that well deserved trophy.

6) Have a bit of a paddy half way through, in the vain hope
that Mum will get it for you.

7) After acknowledging that your Mum is as cold hearted and
well tight as you imagined, press on.

8) On nearing the finish line, do not, I repeat DO NOT
lose focus on maintaining your physical precision.
(A face plant at this point would be disastrous)

9) And finally - SWEEP IN AND COLLECT YOUR WINNINGS!

10) Proudly display your reward and absorb that standing ovation.
Well done champ.

(I like to chill our after the race with a few cartoons and a full tub of Sudacrem - again though, your post activity cool down is entirely up to the individual.)