By Betty Briars.
(For those taking notes, I always find crawling in only a nappy increases my purchase on the floor surface, makes me more aero-dynamic, yet still preserves my modesty. But, each to their own.)
|1) At the start line butter up the crowd.|
Waves and hand shakes from the athlete should whip them into a real frenzy.
|2) Select an alluring and, where possible, potentially messy target. |
A tempting reward will help you focus on the long task ahead.
|3) And we're off!|
Place both hands carefully down in front of you,
being absolutely sure they are ready to take your weight.
|4) With a smile for your adoring public, press up on to all fours,|
while always keeping your eye on the prize.
|5) Keep powering forward. Use your brute strength to transfer your |
weight from knee to knee, keeping your hands walking their way
towards that well deserved trophy.
|6) Have a bit of a paddy half way through, in the vain hope|
that Mum will get it for you.
|7) After acknowledging that your Mum is as cold hearted and|
well tight as you imagined, press on.
|8) On nearing the finish line, do not, I repeat DO NOT|
lose focus on maintaining your physical precision.
(A face plant at this point would be disastrous)
|9) And finally - SWEEP IN AND COLLECT YOUR WINNINGS!|
|10) Proudly display your reward and absorb that standing ovation.|
Well done champ.