BritMums Brilliance in Blogging

It has dawned. The day of
a) the BritMums Brilliance in Blogging Awards.
b) the BritMums Live! Conference.

c) having to make proper ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS. 

Hello?! I'm a nerd. I talk to people ON THE COMPUTER. I don't do face time. It's all so personal and invasive having to look someone in the eye. Makes me shiver just thinking about it. And today am going to be surrounded by hundreds of people I have never met, and may well not even like, but to whom I will have to be nice anyway. (Unless they read my blog, in which case I already love them very much and will be more than happy to shower them with compliments*, foot massages* and extracts of rehearsed witty banter*.)

*These are non transferable. I do not perform kareoke or accommodate fetishes, and the introductory offer of a gold carriage clock for all new readers has now expired.
You snooze you lose.

During the event, I have decided I will mask my social ineptitude, ignorance and plain old bad manners by playing the trusty old 'aloof' card. That bad boy is a little corker. Defo worth keeping in the back pocket. While others schmooze and mingle and make merry and feel all at ease and relaxed throughout the proceedings, I'll been the achingly cool loner, skirting the room holding a pork pie and wearing a face like a smacked bum, with my mobile superglued to my palm, so I can pretend I have got some mates. Somewhere. 

As I am such a unfriendly, cold, people hating person, you would not be a total lunatic to wonder why I am attending at all. Firstly; there will be free stuff. Secondly; there will be stuff for me to win. Thirdly; there will be stuff that will teach me how to get more free stuff and win more stuff. And as much as I dislike most people, I very much like free stuff and winning. So I decided to put a face in.

So, in order to access the good stuff more readily, and to avoid getting saddled with someone's life story because I accidentally allowed myself to nod once at something they said, (between openly yawning in their face), I have decided to introduce myself here.  

Name: The Poor Man's June Whitfield 

Blog: myfunnymummy.org

Twitter ID: @my_funny_mummy

Hair: Long, dead ended, cheap looking, dry, frizzy, thirteen shades of blonde after various home dyes have taken to certain parts of my head and maligned all the bits I can't see in the mirror. But if I can't see it, it mustn't exist. Amen.

Eyes: Two. In head.

Likes: Laughing, smelling Betty's head, finding out tea is ready, squeezing spots, scones, dogs, sponge, the sun, coconut, picking hard skin off feet (which I have confused for coconut), the sea, making up words to songs I don't know, tea, questions, scratching athlete's foot, calling things by American names to annoy Dave.

Dislikes: Ingrowing toenails, getting a tax disc reminder, Liverpool Football Club, upside down banana skins,   Gillian McKeith.

*shuffles off to locate a pork pie*