So The Poop can clap. And she can wave. Never in front of the audience I've just bigged her up to, but when there's not a soul about to witness it she'll wave, chat and solve mathematical equations till the cows come home.
But she cannot grasp this crawling stuff. Forwards anyway. She can back up like a good 'un. She can whizz round in a circle like something gone wrong. She can go from sitting up to all fours in a matter of milliseconds. She can do the crab while reciting Shakespeare. But CRAWL FORWARDS? You're having a laugh.
Since she was five months old, Boo has been able to traverse the floor, backwards, and everyone who saw her assured me she would be crawling the following week. That was three months ago. And she isn't crawling. So what happened? Well? I don't have the patience for this. I want it sorting.
I've tried all the little tricks - my hands behind her feet when she's on all fours, putting her down in front of a wall, doing it myself and getting her to watch, putting a toy in front of her to entice her forward. No joy. I've even tried actually manipulating her legs so she gets the idea of how to move, but she just cries at me like this must be another gem from Gina Ford. Or the Rose West School Of Parenting. I always confuse those two.
Recently she's taken to doing that weird rocking/lizard like bouncing thing which, although completely futile in achieving any sort of locomotion, is hilarious and devastatingly cute, especially when she adds a little giggle of joy at the fact she is making me laugh. But, no. Come on now. We have important business to attend to. Let's not get all caught up in this laughter and fun nonsense. This kid still can't crawl.
I worry about it. It keeps me up at night. Particularly when people/idiots give me examples of babies younger than The Poop who are crawling. And yes, they are crawling FORWARDS.
I have dreams where I am edging my way through wave after wave of giant babies, all crawling towards me like a human tsunami of superior physical agility, and there at the back, after all the superhuman infants have ebbed away, is our Poop, crying, still sat on her bum.
I'm being ridiculous, that's what you think. I can feel it. She'll do it when she's ready you're saying. You haven't got a clue.
I was a baby who crawled backwards. Now I walk backwards and drive to work backwards. I start books at the end and read them to the beginning. I flush the loo before I've used it. I cannot begin to share with you the difficulties I have writing this blog.
.rethguad ym rof siht tnaw t'nod I
.suodnerroh si amgits ehT
For the most part, I can keep it hidden, see? This sentence - you wouldn't notice a thing would you? But let me assure you, everyday is a struggle. So even if it kills me, The Poop will crawl forward.
Watch this acaps...sorry...space.