Look at that lot.
Not a one that's gonna cut it.
How the Hell do I take my daughter for her first swimming session dressed in a shoelace?
Once upon a time, I clearly thought these patches of fabric were a good idea. They must, upon purchase, have seemingly looked good. And perhaps at a push, if I cast my mind back about five years, I can remember my body looking okay in them in a 'I didn't mentally scar anyone for life' sort of a way.
Trying one on yesterday (for old times sake/because I was kidding myself), it was blatantly bloody obvious that the ravages of pregnancy have not left me rivalling for the cover of Sports Illustrated. I could make page three of the St Helens Reporter, but only because these bikinis are a greener choice (i.e. when I throw them out, they will take up less space in the bin, so technically I would be supporting the council's drive for a less regular bin collection).
Popping out all over the place, stretch marks akimbo, I looked like a low rent Jodie Marsh. Thought that wasn't possible? Hello! Here I am. If these bikinis could say anything they'd whisper "...bronzed goddess in St Lucia". Not "...corned beef thighed chubster in Council baths" Heaving my unsightly bulk into these tiny triangles does not scream responsible mother. Neither would slapping my unsuspecting daughter in the eye with a low slung nipple. And the thought of her absent-mindedly tugging away at the flimsy lengths of spaghetti which are all that stand between me and the shred of dignity that I locked away in the deepest, darkest closet of my mind...no. I refuse to give that up. Something must be done.
Time for something tidier. Classier. And sadly, more Mumsy. I am toying with the idea of a Speedo make one piece racer back thingy, what with it being Olympic year and that? Or are Speedo costumes only cooed about by Year 6 girls who are going to the baths on a Thursday afternoon on a dusty hire coach? That's the last time I wanted one. Advice please. I'm not well up on cossie envy.
Maybe some sort of one piece surf suit doodah is the answer? Squirrels everything away, irons out your lumps and bumps; it'd even hide my Crimi-Nail. Don't think I'd pass for a mid-life crisis though. Just a weirdo who wants to show off that they've got a surf suit. Lame.
Now I'm thinking tankini. Like a bikini, but the top's a vest (thus covering stretch marks), the bottoms are like small shorts (thus covering flabby ass hang down). A ha! Yes! Sweet! Tankini it is. In there like swimwear.
Oh wait. As far as I can see though, there's no built in bra with those things? Brill. I'll end up shuffling about tucking my boobs down the front of my pants, like some sort of hermaphrodite darts player with a 50'' waist. Mind you, shouldn't knock it. Let my five o'clock shadow run wild, and I reckon I could work that.
Will update you with final selection and photograph...WAIT, WAIT, DON'T GO!
THE PHOTO WILL BE JUST OF THE COSSIE, NOT ME IN IT.
There. See. Relax. And now....breathe.